keep calm when faced with conflict - tips toolbox

In p​art one and part two we looked at conflict resolution; how our brain reacts to conflict and keeping your cool when faced with conflict and to complete this series, below some additional tips to help when you may find yourself on the cusp of conflict.

​Step back and slow down 

• Most of us repeat unhelpful behaviours in conflicts because we are unaware of what we are doing
• We can only change habits through awareness
• Plan what you want to say to avoid saying something that will escalate a conflict

Be clear about your intentions and goals for the conversation  

• If your most important goal is to win, blame or change the other party, the conflict will probably escalate, no matter what skills you use
• If your intention is to blame or change others, you don’t learn how to prevent the problem from repeating itself
• Only begin a conversation about a conflict in order to learn something new, express your views and feelings, or to problem-solve

Listen first to understand - ask questions to explore the other person's story  

• If others feel listened to they are more likely to try to understand you
• Leverage for change comes from understanding, not from convincing them you are right
• It is rare for people to feel truly listened to and still experience the conflict as negative
• Be aware of your internal barriers to really listening, such as thinking you are right and strong feelings about the subject matter

Express strong feelings without blame

• Strong feelings make it impossible for us to really listen
• Use “I-statements” to express what you are feeling
• Be sure to state a feeling (as opposed to a judging statement) after saying “I feel”
• Be sure to carefully describe the other party’s behaviour without adding evaluations to it
• The key is to be completely honest without blaming the other

Be aware of how your own self-image might make you more defensive 

• Avoid an all or nothing, black and white view of yourself—in this way you will become more open to feedback

Take responsibility for your assumptions

• Be willing to let go of your interpretation— believing that our beliefs and conclusions about others are “the truth” creates a lot of conflict
• Share with others what you see as the raw data and how you interpret it (your thought process)
• When others speak about their conclusions, ask how they came to those conclusions

Find common ground

• Be sure to note areas of agreement as well as areas of disagreement
• Identifying areas of agreement reduces defensiveness

Explore what is most important to the other person by listening and asking questions out of curiosity

• People do not usually enter a conflict by stating what is most important to them
• You can only problem solve if you know what the other person really wants
• People usually enter a conflict with only one solution (theirs) to a problem

Let go of the myths about conflict

• Conflict is not a contest—don’t make it one
• Conflict is not always negative

Remember the four principal approaches to conflict 

• Acknowledge the conflict
• If you resist, they will push even harder
• To acknowledge does not mean to agree
• Be willing to change

When initiating a conversation about conflict 

• Ask the other party if they are willing to have a conversation
• Tell them the topic and the importance of the conversation to you in maintaining a good relationship
• Allow them to save face

Be open to learning new information 

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) gives people clarity and can assist in increasing self-awareness, communications, change and conflict resolution. Understanding your own personality and that of the people you work with can provide great insight into how conflict situations arise and how they can be dealt with constructively. It enables people to quickly recognise their default conflict-handling style and learn how to adapt to different types of conflict. Using the MBTI can help achieve positive results from conflict, such as better decisions and more creative thinking.

Get in touch now to see how you can use the MBTI instrument to understand your own personality and/or that of your team.

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